Entertainment

Update: Your Flight Has Been Cancelled


Dear Passenger,

Your upcoming non-stop New York-to-Denver flight (trip confirmation #SCR3WD) has been impacted by a cancellation, just like thousands of other itineraries this summer. We famously apologize for any inconvenience.

This change may have occurred for a number of reasons, including, but not limited to, the nationwide pilot shortage, issues with our fleet of rapidly deteriorating aircraft, inclement weather owing to now irreversible climate change, and our own personal amusement.

We automatically rebooked you on the “next available flight,” a loose term that covers any flight we choose at random by throwing darts at an old map. We did not, however, take into account (or read) any of the date/time preferences you provided, nor the reason for your trip (“attending funeral tomorrow”).

Your Original Flight Info:

Flight 954, Wednesday, August 3rd
Departure: 8:35 A.M., LaGuardia, New York
Arrival: 11:09 A.M., Denver, Colorado
Notes: Non-stop

Your New Flight Info:

Flight 2061, Thursday, August 4th
Departure: 6:30 A.M., LaGuardia, New York
Arrival: 9:26 A.M., Houston, Texas
Notes: Last row, middle seat, sweaty

Flight 1591,Thursday, August 4th
Departure: 12:27 P.M., Houston, Texas
Arrival: 1:58 P.M., Seattle, Washington
Notes: Emergency-exit seat, but there will be an emergency

Layover on airport-terminal floor

Flight 655, Friday, August 5th
Departure: 9:30 A.M., Seattle, Washington
Arrival: 3:30 P.M., LaGuardia, New York
Notes: Mostly unaccompanied babies

Flight 3548, Friday, August 5th
Departure: 7:18 P.M., LaGuardia, New York
Arrival: 7:32 P.M., J.F.K., New York
Notes: Harmless prank

Flight 925, Friday, August 5th, to Sunday, August 7th
Departure: 10:15 P.M., J.F.K., New York
Arrival: 12:43 A.M., Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
Notes: Bathrooms out of order

Flight X, Sunday, August 7th
Departure: 1:20 A.M., Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
Arrival: 35:85 P.M., Netherworld
Notes: KRAGG MROK VROD YUR VARNU!!!! (See Thoth at Gates of Ganzer)

Flight 47, Monday, August 8th
Departure: 1:00 P.M., Netherworld
Arrival: 3:36 P.M., Denver, Colorado
Notes: Baggage-claim carousel No. 4

Want to Reschedule?

You’re welcome to make changes to this new itinerary at no additional cost! Unless, of course, if you value your time and patience. To reschedule, follow this barely working Web portal to a series of difficult captchas and locate our support phone number. Press 0 at the correct moment to speak to a representative (current wait time is seven hours, regardless of when you call), at which point you’ll be connected with an overworked agent who will dictate to you the URL of a live chat, character by character. The live chat provides our fax number, to which you may send your flight-change request, personal information, and meal preferences so that we may better assist you.

Full Disclosure:

Yes, our airline received billions of dollars in pandemic-relief funds, encouraging many pilots to retire, but we’re now pretending that we’ve spent all that. Please hang in there! And if you know any pilots personally do urge them to stop picketing for increased wages and get back to laboring.

Thank you for flying with us. We look forward to eventually/possibly serving you on board.

UPDATE

Your new flights were just cancelled. ♦



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