Fellow-townspeople, I thanks for gathering to listen to my issues and enchantment. I do know that it’s troublesome to spare time throughout mulberry season—we Jingleheimer-Schmidts take our mulberries severely, too. However I need to take this chance, whereas the opposite John Jacob is off with the sheep, to handle the state of affairs with him and his newly composed tune, lest any extra harm to my fame be accomplished.
Till not too long ago, the truth that our city had two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts was a enjoyable coincidence—maybe extra so for others, however even I might be a part of within the mirth. But John Jacob’s new ditty has taken a feverish maintain of this city—being sung within the schoolyards, the final retailer, even the mulberry fields. And I perceive why: it’s a catchy tune (particularly the da-da-da-da-da-da-da half). Nevertheless, the reality is that the tune has led to grave misconceptions in regards to the relationship between him and me, implying a bond a lot stronger than we truly share. So I need to set the report straight.
First, “His name is my name, too.” This isn’t completely true. Our household spells its identify Jingleheimer-Schmidt whereas his goes by Jingleheimer Schmidt. The hyphen could appear an insignificant matter, however if you happen to perceive Germanic historical past, it factors to a major distinction. Our household was established across the yr 500 when the Jingleheimers of the Bavarii tribe joined with the Schmidts of the Frisii, changing into one of the vital highly effective households beneath Clovis, and henceforth. The Jingleheimer Schmidts had been initially the Kinderschmidts, a dying Chatti clan that took on our identify within the yr 776 to idiot Pepin the Quick and curry his favor (forgetting the hyphen, as they knew not our historical past). So, as you see, there may be deception of their blood.
The largest situation, although, arises from “whenever we go out.” John likes to painting us as nice buddies who are sometimes taking excursions collectively, however that’s merely not true. Sure, we’re generally down within the briar collectively, however that’s solely to rescue wayward cows (let free by somebody I shall not identify). Past that, we once in a while simply occur to enterprise into city on the similar time for provisions, although, I start to doubt even that—I think that he espies me from his shack and hastens after me, as he’s typically 5 paces behind me after I set out on my stroll. And later, on the tavern, guess who’s additionally 5 pence quick for mead and must borrow from his “brother” John Jacob?
John has lengthy tried to pressure this friendship, suggesting that we kind a four-initials membership, since most have solely three. I’ve defined many instances that I’ve no want to be a part of a membership with a person who has holes in his trousers, units fires on the hillside, and usually falls asleep throughout the fourth hour of Sunday service. But at any time when I see him he flashes me our “sign” (the index finger and thumb shaped right into a “J,” waved 3 times, earlier than becoming a member of them with the opposite index and thumb to kind an “S”). Talking of which, if you happen to ought to see “JJJS” carved into partitions or branded onto cattle, this was not accomplished by me. (Notice the shortage of hyphen between the ultimate “J” and the “S.”)
This isn’t all John’s fault; you every bear accountability. “The people always shout, ‘There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt!’ ” Right here he isn’t improper—what’s all of the shouting about? Two folks with the identical identify is just not that attention-grabbing.
And why can’t you say, “There go both John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidts”? Or higher but, “There goes the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt who lets the cows loose into the briar, knocked paint all over the Town Hall’s steps, and burned down the old mulberry field! And also the John Jacob who rescues the cows!”
On the very least, I implore that you just not let the harm develop additional. As you realize, John is at the moment attempting to increase the success of his tune with a brand new verse:
This has already brought about me monetary loss, and I can bear no extra.
So I encourage of you, my fellow-neighbors, please overlook all of the verses of John’s jaunty however devastating tune. And make an effort to see us as completely different folks. We don’t do that to the Marys—we acknowledge that one is kind of opposite and one has just a little lamb. I ask that you just lengthen the identical courtesy to me, for the sake of my household.
And now we should always go verify what John is as much as, for the sheep are bleating and the hillside is as soon as once more aflame. ♦